I’ve decided I want a life spotter and a life coach.
Ever since listening in on Clint Bowyer’s ride around Kansas Speedway on Sunday, I think these race car drivers are onto a novel idea with spotters.
NASCAR is the only sport where you have a coach in your ear and an extra pair of eyes on top of the grandstands, letting you know what’s going on around you and delivering words of inspiration.
Bowyer was having a bad day on Sunday. He tried to pass before the race started (can’t do that) and later in the day he got caught for speeding. Who knew you could get penalized for speeding in a race? It’s like the NBA fining its players for jumping too high.
But throughout, Bowyer had his eye in the sky, and his crew chief keeping it positive.
“Give your belt a tug. Still got a lot of racing to do.”
“Nice and smooth. Got a good car here.”
“Let’s focus here. We’re in front of the hometown.”
“You hear how much faster you are than those guys. Keep it straight.”
“We don’t have to race anybody. Just nice and smart.”
“All good. Put your hat on just like you did at the start of the race.”
“That’s it, come on, drive that son of a bitch. Get your rhythm back.”
Racing is a stressful sport. One hiccup and you’re in the wall and onto the trailer. So it has to help to have a soothing voice in your ear. And I could use that soothing voice sometimes, and we could all use somebody with a better view.
“Don’t hang out with that guy. He’s trouble.”
“Looks like from up here, she’s a heartbreaker.”
Bowyer also has the benefit of having someone to listen to him blow off steam. Imagine being able to vent your road rage to the lady on your GPS.
Bowyer: “That damn 106* car, it’s the same thing every time.”
Crew chief: “He’s looking for a job.”
Bowyer: “Imagine that.”
(*I changed the actual car number in case the culprit of Bowyer’s frustrations happens to pick up a Gazette.)
I realize maybe the life spotter is an unrealistic dream — unless I can just win that Powerball and then I’ll hire a guy to fly a helicopter over me at all times — but I really think other sports need to adopt spotters.
In football, quarterbacks would surely appreciate someone letting them know a very large man is running full speed at their blind side. Maybe if Vince Young had someone giving him words of encouragement on the field, he wouldn’t have gone “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Baseball is always trying to cut down on the length of games. Attach an earpiece to the pitcher’s hat and all those trips to the mound by the pitching coach and catcher are no longer necessary.
Soccer players seem to be the crankiest guys in sports. It’s probably all that running and so little scoring. Maybe if that one French dude who head-butted the Italian in the chest would have had a coach telling him everything was going to be OK, he would have given his forehead a break.
Even sportswriters could use a voice of reason. Like right now, my spotter would let me know it’s time to wrap up.
“Give your pen a rest. You wrote the heck out of that one.”