The Emporia Gazette

May 27, 2012

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I had an MRE ASAP with the FRH on the QT. Oo-RAH!

Yes, I actually got excited about seeing a true-to-life actual military “Meal Ready to Eat.” I have since come to understand that you can get them just about anywhere, but that doesn’t lessen my personal curiosity.

We’ve got a lot of Americans over there eating these things, so I wondered what, exactly, they taste like. My friend and fellow musician Brad Harzman came back from duty bearing gifts: Two complete MREs, one American and one French. The idea of a taste test was born!

An MRE has a whole lot more in it than I had anticipated. It’s food for the entire day — just add water as needed. Good food, nutrition-dense, energy packed and easy to eat on the go. As may be expected, the French version was very stylish. The American one was, well, well-camouflaged.

The French MRE was in a brown cardboard box, but once it was opened myriad colors and shapes were revealed.

There were two main dishes, three candy bars (a chunk of dark chocolate, nougat with candied fruits, and jellied raspberry), lots of coffee and cream, even a hot chocolate packet and four individually wrapped African sugar cubes, stamped with woodblock prints of African heads and statues -- très cool!

There were eight packets of European biscuits. They were large, sweet like animal crackers, and half were vanilla and half were chocolate. Sprinkled amongst were several hard candies, a stack of gum and coffee-flavored caramels.

The main dishes were two large, brightly colored oval tins of very well seasoned meat and vegetable combinations. One was chicken and potatoes, the other tuna and mixed vegetables. The chicken one was the winner of everything we tried: it was Mediterranean style, with bits of zucchini, cumin seeds and raisins alongside the large chunks of chicken meat and cubed potatoes.

The tuna dish also had large chunks of fish, which were really good and not “fishy” at all as you would have expected. The mixed vegetables had excellent color even though they were a little mushy and the overall dish was a little too oily. All you had to do was pop the top and heat it.

There were two smaller tins — one a white cheddar cheese fondue, and the other a tightly packed tuna fish with absolutely no extra moisture in it (all meat).

Les Francais provided a generous packet of facial tissues (at least I think they were facial tissues), matches, a tea light and a bend-to-shape metal stove to cook your tins over. They even provided a tiny little trash bag for your refuse along with a plea in English and French to protect the environment. The tins were labeled as recyclable, if you felt like hauling them around for the duration of the mission.

By comparison, the American meals were all in lightweight pouches. Camouflage brown pouches are stuffed into narrow brown cardboard boxes stamped with directions and nutrition labels, in brown. All of this is kept secure in a large brown plastic pouch that can double as a trash bag.

But the cooking system is amazing! The American main dishes and beverages are warmed by chemically generated heat. The dish goes into a Zesto-Therm flameless ration heater (FRH) and a small amount of water is added. The top folds over and the whole package slides back into the cardboard container to start cooking. There is a little diagram on the bag to show how to do it, but I still had to read the darn thing three times before I felt confident enough to try it out. I especially enjoyed the warning label:

Warning

1. Vapors released by activated heater contain hydrogen, a flammable gas. Do not place an open flame in the vapor.

2. Vapors released by activated heater can displace oxygen.

3. Hot water leakage can burn and cause a cold-weather injury.

4. After heating, the heater bag and MRE pouch will be very hot. Use caution when removing MRE pouch from bag.

5. Discard heater and bag after use. Do not drink the water remaining in the bag or use it in food items.

The manufacturers assure us the chemical contents are powdered food-grade iron, magnesium and sodium, so discarding the chemical heater won’t hurt the environment. No word on how fast the plastic bag decomposes. We used the microwave.

The American meal came with some of the driest crackers I have ever put in my mouth — like dehydrated saltines, if that were even possible. Brad said the standard prank is to single out a new soldier and bet him or her $20 that they can’t eat two crackers without drinking something. The new guy always loses. I couldn’t get two BITES down.

There was a tube of something like cheap Cheez-Whiz and another tube of some very dry peanut butter. What’s up with the moisture in the American MREs? The main entree of penne pasta was nicely seasoned, but the pasta was mushy and the dish had little texture.

A generous slice of carrot spice cake was enclosed, but not much else in the way of sweets outside of some gum. The “convenience pack” had a salt-free spice packet, a sturdy plastic spoon in its own plastic wrapper, a wet-wipe, and a discreetly wrapped portion of toilet paper. Not much, but perhaps enough.

Beverages included an instant coffee, a lemon-lime powdered flavor mix to put in your canteen and a packet of hot apple cider mix to go in the FRH pouch.

There are 24 different menus available in the current MRE series, four of which are vegetarian. Newer items include jambalaya, enchiladas, chicken nuggets with cavetelli, mesquite chicken breast and beef steak with mushroom gravy. Some people get a side of peanut butter cookies, pretzels filled with nacho and cheddar cheese, chocolate chip cookies or granola.

There are even “Kitchen in a Box” items that a unit can carry onto a mission. Instead of a full kitchen setup and person to cook, you pull a couple of tabs on top of the box to activate the FRH inside, and in 20 minutes you open the box to find an entree with two sides, a dessert and all necessary utensils. A hot meal for you and 15 buddies!

The French MRE was much more colorful and entertaining, but also a little heavier, and the box doesn’t “squish” as well as the American packs. Brad says you usually carry two of these for each day you’re going to be out in the field, so the weight and space adds up. Food wise, we both though the French meal was tastier, but it also produced quite a bit of waste to pack back to camp. I’m willing to bet that after a week of one you’d be thrilled to have the other: “The grass is always greener ...”

Next week we’ll look at some economical recipes for hard times. Also, thanks to Bernice Bartlett, we’ll solve the Forren’s hushpuppy mystery. For the next column, how about some Easter Brunch ideas? It’s just around the corner. What are you planning for a special Easter meal? Send your recipe to murphysmenu@yahoo.com or The Emporia Gazette, P.O. Box C, Emporia, Kans. 66801. Let’s get cooking!