When roles are reversed
By Brandy Nance
Originally published 01:42 p.m., October 9, 2007
Updated 01:42 p.m., October 9, 2007
If Patti Lipson were going to write a book she’d call it “I Hate the Day I Learned How to Spell Alzheimer’s.”
With her mother diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and her father left with brain damage from surgery for Parkinson’s Disease, Lipson found herself almost instantly in a reversed role in which she was suddenly the parent. Lipson is the co-chair of Sunday’s Memory Walk along with Paula Sauder.
“I got involved in the walk because of Paula,” Lipson said.
Lipson’s mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. Her father had been living with Parkinson’s for some time but a surgery in March intended to relieve the Parkinson’s symptoms left him with brain damage and he was no longer able to care for Lipson’s mother. The two have moved into an assisted living community. Lipson asked that her parent’s names not be used in this article to protect their privacy.
Lipson said it took a while for everybody to come to terms with her mother’s Alzheimer’s. The signs were there, but the process was so gradual that many people didn’t recognize it, Lipson said.
“Sometimes it’s so gradual you just don’t know,” she said. “It’s happening in front of your eyes and you don’t see it.”
Sauder agreed.
“You rationalize their behavior,” she said. “You take on responsibilities without realizing that you do.”
Early warning signs of Alzheimer’s include memory loss and serious forgetfulness. Lipson said things that are common sense for many people are not for people with Alzheimer’s. Lipson said most people know not to put papers and other flammable material in the oven. But her mother had papers in the oven and loved ones were worried she’d forget and turn the oven on.
Her mother also had a room full of stuff she was going to clean out but eventually forgot how to organize the project. Her mother also would put bits and pieces of different stories together into one full story— another warning sign of Alzheimer’s.
“Now looking back we can explain the behavior when we didn’t know before,” she said.
Lipson said it’s also often hard for family members that only see the person with Alzheimer’s once or twice a year to recognize they have the disease.
“It’s amazing how coherent they can seem for a moment or two,” she said.
Lipson said that in her mother’s case, her mother could no longer recall specific information but could hold conversations by pulling from her social skills she developed early in life. She would have a conversation with someone then turn to Lipson and ask who she was talking to and how she knew them. She also would misplace things and ask Lipson repeatedly where she’d put something.
Sauder said early detection is vital for Alzheimer’s. While there is no medication that will cure the disease, there is medication that can help slow the progression.
“I really think if we had got Mom on medication sooner it may have helped,” Lipson said.
Lipson said she has found that using laughter is one of the best ways to cope with difficult moments.
Sauder said guilt is often a factor for family members of people with Alzheimer’s. The “I wishes” and “I could haves” often get to families, she said.
For Lipson, the guilt comes when her mother asks the same question over and over. She compared it to a parent whose child asks the same question many times and the frustration that goes along with that.
Lipson said she has had to come to terms with the idea that her parents are no longer the parents she knew.
“I know in my heart that I’m doing the best I can,” she said. “That’s all you can do. I am my parents’ parent and I took that role about a year and a half ago.”
Lipson said with the right elements, anybody can get through any situation.
“I am a firm believer that with a pastor, friends and a good psychiatrist you can get through anything,” she said, with a smile.
If you ask Lipson if she feels her parents are a burden, she’d tell you no.
“They gave up so much for me,” she said. “This is my responsibility. This is what you do. These are your parents.”
Lipson said every Sunday, members of the family who are able to have dinner with her parents.
“It’s something we have always done,” she said, noting she grew up with four siblings and eating out was a luxury, but Sunday dinner around the table was a treat. “And why should we stop just because they are there (assisted living)?”
Lipson said she doesn’t believe children have to be 24-hour caregivers, especially when there are other options. She said her home is her escape and a place where she can let all the stress and emotion out.
Both the children and spouses of someone with Alzheimer’s have to come to terms with the fact that there will be a time when it’s not possible for that person to live on his or her own, Lipson said, noting that Alzheimer’s doesn’t just affect close family members.
“It’s an illness that (impacts) a lot of people,” she said. “It touches everybody, and it is a horrific illness.”
Warning signs of Alzheimer’s
• Memory loss.
• Difficulty performing familiar tasks.
• Problems with language (loss of terminology) for common items.
• Disorientation to time and place.
• Poor or decreased judgment.
• Problems with abstract thinking.
• Misplacing things.
• Changes in mood or behavior.
• Changes in personality.
• Loss of initiative.
— Source: 2007 Alzheimer’s Association
• The Memory Walk will start at 2 p.m. Sunday. Registration starts at 1:30 p.m. at the Lane Whitmore Certified Public Accountants Building, 1420 C of E Drive.
fsaffer (anonymous) says...
Ms Lipson is very fortunate to have Paula Sauder as a friend and support person. Paula makes us all sit up and ask: What the hell can I do to help out?
October 9, 2007 at 4:32 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )