They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
But is there such a thing as a free ticket?
That was what I set out to learn last Saturday, as I attended last weekend’s Royals game with my dad.
As a gift to him, I bought us All-You-Can-Eat seats — you know, the ones where for $35 you get all the nachos, popcorn, hot dogs, peanuts and soft drinks you can keep down.
Just enjoying the experience wasn’t going to be enough.
So I chose to make it a game — a quest, if you will.
My goal would be to eat $35 in Kauffman Stadium concessions, thus making my ticket to the ballpark — you guessed it — absolutely free.
The rules were simple: I had to eat at least every item on the menu once, and after accomplishing that I could pick any items to round out the $35 tab.
I walked into the ballpark at 4:10 p.m. with aspirations of becoming the next Kobayashi.
Now, the question was if my stomach would let me.
VVV
4:18 p.m. (0 items, total tab: $0) My first goal once arriving in the stadium is to figure out how much each concession item costs.
The answer isn’t easy. Though hot dogs are $3.75 and kiddie drinks are $2.25, the other three items come in smaller portions than their normal concession stand counterparts.
For simplicity’s (and easy math’s) sake, I put down that the other items are $2 each.
It’s time to get started.
4:22 p.m. (0 items, total tab: $0) After getting slapped with a bright yellow ‘yes-I-am-the-guy-who-will-eat-a-whole-lot-today’ wristband, I make my way to the concession stand.
One pink lemonade and hot dog, I say.
The challenge has begun.
4:24 p.m. (2 items, total tab: $6) As I head to my seat, I notice what I consider a not-so-great idea on the Royals’ part.
They have set up numerous tables right around the concession stand.
As if all-you-can-eat belly-busting food wasn’t enough, now they were promoting that fans not even take the extra few steps to their seats.
I decide I need the exercise. The tables just aren’t for me.
4:42 p.m. (2 items, total tab: $6) A Pepsi and nachos are next, and the scowling concession stand lady shoves the chips toward me like it’s my final meal in prison.
I guess it’s a long day giving away food in section 234.
4:49 p.m. (4 items, total tab: $10.25) One of my greatest fears of sitting in the All-You-Can-Eat seats is recognized.
These are normal-sized Kauffman Stadium seats. And, to put it nicely, the section is filled with slightly above normal-sized people.
One of them is the man behind us, who tells two others that they are sitting in his seat. They move one seat over to accommodate him.
A quick glance at the situation leads the man to a different solution.
“I’ll just sit over here for now,” he says.
Everyone breathes a little easier.
5:01 p.m. (4 items, total tab: $10.25) Another dog and pink lemonade is next. Already, my stomach is starting to go on strike.
5:02 p.m. (6 items, total tab: $16.25) I decide that Gate’s barbecue sauce will be a good condiment on my hot dog.
The barbecue squirter decides that Gate’s will be a good condiment on my pants and shirt.
A quick trip to the bathroom and a mental note to remember the Tide-To-Go on future expeditions only delays me a few minutes.
5:06 p.m. (6 items, total tab: $16.25) As I return to my seat, I receive more discouraging news. My dad is winning the impromptu competition.
His intake has already included two hot dogs, nachos, peanuts and four drinks.
Shouldn’t this kind of thing run in the family?
5:13 p.m. (6 items, total tab: $16.25) I decide the peanuts will be next, along with a pink lemonade. They should take awhile, and I want to be sure I have time to scarf down food at the end if I need to.
5:42 p.m. (8 items, total tab: $20.50) Finally done with peanuts. Not fun. Tummy aching. No Tums in sight.
5:43 p.m. (8 items, total tab: $20.50) Searching for 7UP to soothe my stomach. I settle for Sierra Mist instead.
6:43 p.m. (9 items, total tab: $22.75) Still letting stomach settle. I’m rapidly losing desire to earn free ticket and quickly gaining the desire to keep food down.
8:00 p.m. (9 items, total tab: $22.75) I start to take notes as to what I should do next time I sit in the All-You-Can-Eat seats.
A few fans show me the way.
After getting their free hot dogs, they lean over the railing and toss them to people cheering below.
Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Looks like the Robin Hoods of Kauffman Stadium to me.
8:05 p.m. (9 items, total tab: $22.75) Though I’ve given up on my free ticket, I haven’t given up on eating every item on the menu.
The Sierra Mist seems to have calmed the storm in my stomach, so I order my last items — a popcorn and Sierra Mist.
8:11 p.m. (11 items, total tab: $27) I can’t help but laugh when the popular “Hot Dog Launch” takes place in the late innings.
It’s here where the Royals’ mascot Sluggerrr tosses free hot dogs into the seats for lucky fans to catch — then eat.
No fewer than 20 fans in my section stand up and scream, begging for Sluggerrr to throw them a free hot dog — one they could have if they walked 30 feet to the concession stand above them.
I’m in no mood to correct them, so I laugh while I finish my popcorn.
9:12 p.m. (11 items, total tab: $27) After a near-heart attack by Octavio Dotel, the Royals escape with a 6-5 victory — not a bad deal for a $8 club-level seat.
I still have failed in my mission and start to question my preparation earlier in the day. Were two bowls of Peanut Butter Crunch for breakfast too many?
Guess I’ll leave the eating to the professionals.
As a sports writer, perhaps watching others do things better than I can is my calling anyway.