A conversation the other day with a friend proved to me that time does lessen pain.
It’s been eight years since my mother died, and the pain no longer cripples me. But the habits developed from unhealthy coping mechanisms continue to cripple me.
During the first five years after Mother’s death, I found myself in a perpetual bad mood from late April through mid-August. I felt more stressed and found little things setting me off — like boys being boys. During the second year, I realized these months started with my mother’s birthday on April 21 and continued through the anniversary of her funeral on Aug. 2.
Every year for 3 1/2 months, I would do what had to be done — going to work, cooking meals, laundry — and little else. Instead, I would withdraw — escaping into books or television or bed, which my family appreciated when I was particularly cranky. My four guys will also be the first to say that the list of what I felt had to be done quickly shrank. Eventually, getting out of bed and to work because the only “must-do” on my list.
But after the fifth anniversary, I realized that I didn’t recognize special dates anymore. April 21 would approach and I’d think “Oh, it’s Mother’s birthday,” then go about the rest of my life. I knew I was pulling out of my annual depression.
The other day, however, I realized that I had continued to live in the traps I’d set — withdrawing as my answer to stress. When I’d get home from work, all I would want to do is escape.
And over the years, Greg had done such a good job of being supportive that he’d absorbed the bulk of the load at home — laundry, dishes, getting the boys off to school. It was easy to let that continue.
But it’s neither right nor fair. And I’m working to change. I’ve decided to plan at least 2 hours each night for housework, whatever it might be — folding clothes, cleaning the kitchen, organizing a closet. That seems to work better than being daunted by a long list of everything that needs to be done.
For now, it’s working. But, just as time eases pain, it will take time to change my bad habits.